Maclean
MACLEAN is the oldest hamster and the commanding ‘officer.’ He and his devoted HHHQ Controller, MAGGIE, recruited the band of Hamsters that now save animals around in distress. It is MACLEAN and MAGGIE who have set up the HQ beneath the floorboards of the gigantic mansion called Cornet Manor in Hampstead. But more of that later...
MACLEAN sees himself as a great contemporary warrior, a campaign strategist and decision-maker. Sadly, he lacks these essential qualities needed for great leadership, just like his original owner, Colonel ‘Kit’ Raisin. His strengths lie in diplomacy, communication and the fact that he is the sort of hamster who wants to stand up and be counted.
He is proud, resolute, determined and puffed up – for instance, he is named after the movie hero in Die Hard but would never admit to it. He has the pomposity of Captain Mainwaring crossed with the naivety of Jim Hacker. A rodent that is not afraid to grasp the nettle of leadership -- cometh the hour, cometh the hamster!
MACLEAN is pop-bottle myopic but his pompous vanity stops him wearing glasses to rectify the problem -- the binoculars that hang around his neck may make him look like a military leader but they’re actually a necessity for him to carry out the simplest task!
He is overweight and unfit but he’s always smartly dressed and well equipped. Conscientious about his role, he is always prepared for action but is rarely prepared for the unexpected. With a bit of bluster and false bravado he has convinced his team that he has everything under control and with him as leader they feel they are in safe paws! His predictable response to various shock occurrences is the phrase, “Yes, I could see that was going to happen…”
Maggie
MAGGIE is the oldest female hamster of the group. She had a few babies in her youth – 78, at the last count -- but they’ve all long since left home. Now, she is a fiercely independent hamster with a formidable character – she is so tough she should have a ‘kite’ mark tattooed on her arm.
She was brought up by the previous owners of Cornet Manor (when it was called Denby House). Believing her to be dead one cold, winter’s day they threw the hibernating MAGGIE into the rubbish bin where she was rescued by the feral MACLEAN, who was living in the concealed cellar of the house. Since then she has been devoted to him.
MAGGIE is bluff, stoic and bullet-proof, often rude and sarcastic. A big, stocky Yorkshire lass, she is straight-talking and calls a rat a rat. She doesn’t stand for any nonsense and has the diplomacy of a flying house brick. Her pet phrase is, “I’ve only got two pairs of paws, you know!”
MAGGIE is the communications expert and therefore the hub of the group, so she never goes out on a mission. She fields information and co-ordinates each mission as well as looking after the well-being of the HH, which includes her skills in cooking solid traditional English grub. She runs HHHQ and guards this position jealously. She is a computer whiz-gran and operates the hi-tech equipment with consummate skill.
She is held in high “regard” by the group – in fact a quirky mixture of affection and fear. She is teased by some of the braver members, such as ROSTOFSKY and CHAZZA, and given a respectable distance by the others. She loves all of them dearly but has a strange way of showing it!
Tatler
TATLER was owned by LORD and LADY BEAUCHAMP, a pair of young aristocrats living in their Chelsea town house. He was bought for their son, SEABASTIAN, who spent most of his life away at boarding school so TATLER was exposed to his parents and their friends. He soon learned about sophisticated society folk and their ways. When Lord Beauchamp was made Australian ambassador TATLER flees Chelsea – he would never be happy in the land of the barbecue!
TATLER is a pedigree hamster who can trace his ancestry back to one of the greatest hamsters in history – Manson, King of the Blue Curse – who led the rebellion in the Middle East in 1931 and escaped to Europe with some of his followers. Tatler has fabulous ancestors and hundreds of smart relatives spread all over the world and frequently refers to them in anecdotal form. These stories enrapture the group, apart from MACLEAN whose nose is pushed firmly out of joint.
He is the second in command in the group and a natural tactician and strategist. These talents are essential to the HH and he advises MACLEAN by veiled suggestion rather than direct proposal, with a sagacity born of good breeding and education. He knows his suggestions will be right but is happy to let MACLEAN take the credit; he simply doesn’t really want the responsibility of leadership: “It’s all too much of a fuss!” He is unconcerned about MACLEAN taking credit for his good advice; he is far more interested in his social life and is often distracted on a mission by the prospect of a day at the races, a cocktail party or a bridge tournament at his club.
TATLER is also a living homage to James Bond – he mirrors the slim, suave sophistication of the 007 character (but, unfortunately, not the fighting-fit rippling torso of the man-of-action). When MACLEAN recognises the need for a Hungry Hamsters subterfuge unit, TATLER grasps the mettle with both paws and makes a right ham of every mission.
TATLER’s natural colouring is black and white which, appropriately, makes him look like he is wearing a dinner suit. When he dresses, he dresses with style – his uniform is tailor-made from cashmere and kid leather; he acts with panache – he is reassuringly confident to the point of arrogance and his David Niven manner makes him irresistible to female hamsters.
Rostofsky
ROSTOFSKY is a Russian ‘Fighting’ Hamster who was owned by an American military family living in England as part of the NATO forces. The father of the family brought him back from Kazakstan and now ROSTOFSKY regards himself as a pure American, born and bred. Much to MACLEAN’s annoyance, this is a two-dimensional interpretation via the influence of his gung-ho military owners.
He is the only one of the group to have actually seen military service – literally ‘seen’ because his cage sits opposite a TV that belts out DVD’s of all-American action-packed movies all day long. This has turned him into a over-excitable character and conditioned his every response, even to the point of having a weird quasi-Russian/American accent; the simplest request is met with a barked, “Sir, yes sir!” and every action is pre-empted by an over-dramatised “Lock and load, tovareechee!”
ROSTOFSKY is a born survivor – he has to be because he is ‘cared for’ by the family’s spiteful son WAYNE, who, when he’s not ignoring the hamster for days on end is subjecting him to endless teasing.
ROSTOFSKY is young, fit and very tough - he can bite the tops off bottles and crack walnuts in his biceps. He is proud of his physique and loves to show off muscles that other hamsters have only heard about. Nothing phases him (apart from spiders); he can withstand extreme conditions and could out-stare a tiger. He abhors shirkers and liars, who he sees through immediately. He is loyal to the group, especially to the officers, MACLEAN and TATLER. Importantly, he is interminably patient -- he has to be to regiment the pack of incompetents at his disposal.
ROSTOFSKY is broad with striking features – high cheek-bones, piercing blue eyes, perfect teeth underneath a dyed-blond military flat-top haircut. He is armed with every known military gadget on earth. Unfortunately the ones he has made himself always fail to work, usually discovered in the middle of a crisis, when it is too late.
Tiffany
TIFFANY is a beautiful French hamster with a lusty French accent. She is flighty and unpredictable with a tendency to be disorganised. Always short-tempered, especially in the mornings, you can expect her to bite your head off if you accidentally drop the wrong word into conversation. She has what the Americans would call ‘an attitude problem’ and on a bad day she upsets people with her typically arrogant and offhand attitude – très francaise! But Tiffany can charm the socks off people and uses her femininity to help the group achieve their aims. She is sexy and seductive and dresses to impress – even the special combat HH suit looks good on her curvaceous figure.
TIFFANY was owned by CHRISTOPHE, son of the French F1 race-ace, Alain Dupré and the driving skills she has acquired are a tremendous asset to the HH cause. She is in charge of the specialist hamster vehicles at their disposal (the car, motorcycle & sidecar and speedboat – all powered by HH members in wheels), driving them with tremendous skill and at very high speed. She can drive anything motorised, even if her over-exuberance occasionally results in a small pile-up. She is also mechanically-minded and can fix anything with a screwdriver and an adjustable spanner (found, eventually, at the bottom of her handbag amongst lipsticks, mascaras, nail files and bottles of scent).
All Hamsters find her very attractive. BIGFOOT is in love with her, but it is unrequited as she fancies DALI because of his “beautiful” brain.
Bigfoot
BIGFOOT is so called because, quite simply, he has one foot substantially larger than the other (caused by using his exercise-wheel incorrectly as a youngster). This disability would present enough problems for a normal sized hamster but having to support the vast bulk of BIGFOOT makes him a constant hazard as he trips and falls all over the place.
He loves his grub -- hence his vast stomach – and what he can’t eat he’ll carry in his pouches or lug along in his rucksack. He has a big heart and loves his friends in the HH but would contemplate putting the group in danger if it meant the chance of a free meal!
BIGFOOT’s appetites were heartily indulged by his owners, DOLLY and VI, two elderly spinster sisters who live in an old Victorian house adjacent to Cornet Manor. Eventually, they lost their bladder control and were carted away to an old peoples’ home in Eastbourne. BIGFOOT ran ‘next door’ to join the HH, much to the chagrin of MACLEAN who cannot really find something useful for him to do. BIGFOOT adopts the mantle of Food Purser to the HH, that’s if he hasn’t eaten what he has resourced.
He is not the brightest thing on four paws – in fact, he’s as thick as a brick. He’s like Doberman in the Bilko series - always happy and often singing…badly! But he is always forgiven because he looks so loveable: big brown eyes project from a round face with gigantic teeth protruding from a wide smiling mouth.
Clothes hang off him like Armani draped on a boiler and ROSTOFSKY harps on constantly about his shambling appearance. But the others invariably come to his defence because his bulk makes him a formidable ally. Naturally, he is an excellent cook and he worships the TV chef, MONTY DELICIOUS. He is also an expert on wine.
Dali
DALI was bought by the famous animal-artist ALOICIUS TURNER as a present for his girlfriend, who turned out to be allergic to fur. She issued the ultimatum “Either the rat goes or I go……….” And so DALI and ALOICIUS lived together in Primrose Hill. Many an evening was spent with DALI observing his owner’s highly intellectual friends and digesting their conversations.
DALI is the thinker of the group, the planner, the hamster with brains. He has a vast intellect, speaks many languages and knows everything about everything…apart from sport, pop music, television, American films and anything else with banal popular appeal. DALI is to the HH, what Brains was to International Rescue.
He has an unusual appearance with curly hair and a strange chin growth of a beard in the shape of a corkscrew. When he gets excited he develops a nervous tic with his left eye blinking uncontrollably. He uses reading glasses for work, which he can never find because they’re perched on the top of his head! He is highly strung and his speech is delivered at machine-gun pace with boundless enthusiasm -- just like a zestful Patrick Moore in his youth. – and he always concludes with “And that’s all there is to it.” When his colleagues are left standing wide-eyed he cannot understand why they fail to follow his massively complex explanations.
DALI is the designer who creates all the technology used by the HH. He is also the computer hacker, the safe breaker, the chemist. That’s when he isn’t painting or sculpting; or practising yoga, tai chi or transcendental meditation. He is happy to spread the word about Eastern philosophy to his unenlightened colleagues.
The major problem for the HH is that DALI dislikes violence and hates weapons. His one asset in adversity is his adeptness with oriental martial arts but he only uses these skills as a last resort, which at times can be desperate.
Chazza
Everybody adores CHAZZA. He is the likeable rogue; the cheeky charmer who delivers an endless line of friendly Cockney patter. You would trust this hamster with your life (but not with your wife!) and then find your wallet had gone missing.
He was owned by twin 8 year-olds MIKE and SALLY FOWLER, whose Dad ran a car breakers’ yard in Leytonstone. He was loved by his owners, who doted on him, but Dad was offered zillions of £££’s by the London Olympics Committee to sell his yard for redevelopment. When the family moved to the Costa Del Sol it was time for CHAZZA to make a new life. He is still in communication with the FOWLERS, usually by tacky postcards.
CHAZZA is the forager of the group, the Mr Fixit, the negotiator. If he hasn’t got it, he knows someone who has. “Gimme five minutes…” and “Sorted!” pepper his conversation. Naturally furtive, he will check over both shoulders before engaging in the simplest conversation, even “Hi!” or “Goodbye.” Anything he cannot barter he ‘borrows’, sometimes on long-term loans. Trouble is he doesn’t know when and where to stop with his talents, which can land him and the HH in plenty of trouble. When he is ‘found out’ he is one of those annoying characters who oozes innocence that deflects blame. His natural charm also helps him win over a certain class of undiscerning female. The group, however, help him to prop up his moral shortfalls.
His best mate is ROSTOFSKY, because they have an affinity for precision in their professions (and CHAZZA finds him new gadgets) although he regards the bulky American as being a bit tightly-wound.